How long have you been a Beholder, to start off?

Well. About a year now. I used to be a meager Spectator before, but finally gained enough xp to advance.

A year? That's a long time, especially in your profession. Uh, don't most Beholders get killed well before being a year old? What, what is the secret to your survival?

Uh, heh, actually I started as a... floating eye. Youngest of the flock, too. But... it's uh, really important, to start small. Practice staring on little lizards, and rats. You can't even dream of encountering townspeople, let alone adventurers. At first.

Can't you practice with a mirror?

Ah, ho ho. Heh, maybe not.

You haven't tried?

Um... well, once, yes; the sight was so hideously ugly I was paralyzed for a week!

audience laughs and applauds, band plays a funny ditty

Seriously though. It takes a lot of patience to get started out. Even, even when you get better, you'll become adventurer fodder real quick if you get careless. Teleport Away anything too big and if that doesn't work, teleport yourself out.

Ah, yes. Some might call that cowardice, but most of them are dead while you are here with us tonight.

Yeah. Exactly.

But so, uh. It's not too easy trying to be a good Beholder.

No, it's, it's not. Definitely not a job for just anyone. As I said...

Takes a lot of patience.

Yeah. Patience. And, uh, luck. And confidence.

But hey! I bet you totally attract the girls!

Eh, hee hee, yeah. Uh, well, actually, non-adventurer girls usually scream and run away. Beholders don't generally have much of a, uh, love life.

Maybe I should give Beholdering a try. I don't have much of a love life even as it is.

audience laughs, drummer inserts a fill, keyboardist makes a snide comment

Girls scream and run away from you too?

Only when they realize stick guys don't wear any clothes! But I still need more practice to get stick girls to faint!

You might need a bigger eye!

audience howls in laughter, band plays another ditty

Ah ha ha ha! Ah. Um. That might, you know, actually improve my appearance.

In fact, in fact it might improve our keyboardist's looks even more in relation.

keyboardist makes a face, plays a dissonant chord

So, uh... you haven't felt a need to... get out of Beholding, maybe try some accounting or uh, running a guild or a supply shop for adventurers?

Bleh, no, not really, no. Beholding isn't... uh, isn't so much a job as, a way of life.

What about career advancement? What are your plans, Beholder?

Well, stick guy, remember I started as a pitiful little floating eye. I've really come a long way since then. In fact I was hoping to be nominated for the "Eye Tyrant" award, but er... Omarax still holds the title.

Maybe he has some connections with the inner circle?

Ummm, who knows, who knows. But he uh, he is good. Real good.

Yeah. Uh, he does have a notorious reputation. You don't, seem bothered too much about not getting this prestigious position?

No, not at all. I don't Behold for the gold, you know, Beholding's just... uh, something I do. It comes to me really naturally and I enjoy it. That's what matters, right? I wouldn't trade it for anything. And besides, besides, I get to "behold" lots of new people!

drum fill, applause

Okay! So. What would I need to do to become an adored Beholder, like you are?

Ummm... well, I don't know about the adored part... but well...

As you said you have come a long way; floating eye, Spectator, now you're a total hunk of a Beholder –

And I even got into the Stick Talk Show !..

audience laughs, band plays a theme ditty

The crowning achievement of any career, I'm sure. And I get to host the show, a position I'm thoroughly happy and satisfied in.

That explains your reading Playstickboy in the backstage...

I thought we had an agreement you wouldn't tell anyone. Now the whole world, millions of viewers that this show evidently has, or so they tell me, all know of my indiscretions.

Sorry.

band plays a mocking ditty, audience laughs

Indeed.

Uh, yeah. You could, you could use one of, uh, two ways to become a succesful Beholder.

What's the easier way?

Get yourself polymorphed and hope you end up as a big eyeball instead of something really sad, like a mold or a human!

Yeah, with my luck, I'd become a Grid Bug, or, a white louse. And end up breeding explosively!

audience laughs again

The, the other way, would be to just start practicing staring. If you have some natural talent for it... you'll soon be swatting flies with just a gaze. Then...

Uh, yes.

Then, your eye would get bigger and bigger over time as you practice, and you'd be on your way to Beholderhood.

Yeah. Uh, that reminds me, a... lot of people seem to feel that Beholders are plain evil. I'm sure at least many adventurers would agree.

Ah... well... I have to admit, there is uh, a sort of darker side to Beholding. But I don't really think of myself as... evil. Chaotic, yes, but not, not evil. I don't generally harass truly innocent people... But you know, adventurers – it's mainly the greed and a conditioned response, to seeing anything that looks like it might be a monster, those things drive the poor sods to attack creatures like myself. And, and I have to defend myself...

Right... yeah... so uh, it's really the adventurers, who are evil.

Uh, no, no no. I'm not, I'm not saying they all are. Just like, not all Beholders are necessarily slavering animals. You just have to, have to realize that in the world we live in, there's only one way, to gain xp. By doing what you... do best.

Yeah, yeah. Like... Beholding!

Ah of, of course some stupid jerks have given all Beholders a kind of, bad name. I think... they even made a... big multi-sequel movie and, and games, about one of those sociopathic Beholders. Uh, a friend –

The ah, Eye of the Beholder?

Yeah, yeah that's the name. My friend's mother-in-law was cast in the main role... that's why I remember it.

One thing that's been bothering me... keeping me awake at night, er... why do monsters seem to have all that... slime?

You think of slimy monsters all night?

audience laughs

... I'm going to ignore that remark and instead continue with the question. You don't seem very slimy. Where does that stuff come from?

Ah, heh, you'd be getting kinda slimy too if you didn't have a shower for a few months!

Thankfully, I do shower relatively often.

band plays a dirty little ditty

I really do. Despite what some people keep hinting at, who I won't name – but who are there behind me pretending to know how to play music.

Ah... you could, you could probably say that in movies... the evil guys are always slimy. Regardless of race.

Yes, the uh, main character in the Eye of the Beholder was probably nearly as slimy as our band's keyboard after each Talk Show.

keyboardist rolls eyes and plays a slimy ditty, audience applauds

Most of us are pretty nice and not nearly as slimy once you get to know us.

Alright, and we've certainly gotten to know you better across the... duration of the show! A show which, likely to the audience's great relief, is about to come to a timely end. But before that, one more question. Do Beholders ever blink?

Um... depends... who you ask. You know we Beholders have uh... twelve eyes around this main one, and no tentacles whatsoever... but I left my secondary eyes back home at the insistence of the guy who drew me. Apparently he thought I look a lot more attractive without them.

Yeah. Go figure.

He he he... yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Beholder! Thanks for coming! I'd shake hands but, y'know.

audience cheers and applauds

Hey, thanks for having me here. It's been a great show. The main guest was particularly good, though I say so myself !..

Say, I'm sure we'd all love to see a Beholder in action! Could you, could you show us how you Behold?

Sure, sure I can! Who, er... who should I...

Just pick someone from the audience to be your assistant!

Okay, um... uh...

Errrr... hard to choose, they all look so...

No, wait! I don't like the face of that one!

The Beholder gazes at you. You die. --more--

audience applauds, band starts playing talk show theme song