The original version of this story was written by my mom sometime long ago, featuring myself and my little sister hunting for our lost treasures. There even were some pictures! Since retroing is hip, I recently made a modernized remix, which I'll now translate here. The whole story is totally hysterical if you've read the original, which you haven't of course, but that can't be helped. Prepare yourselves...
The Secret of the Lost Diary and the Stolen Seal
This all took place sometime in winter, the darkest season. People were enjoying their all too brief holiday and expecting the dawning of a new year. One household however was in a very confused state. Their daughter and her soulmate had lost some very important artifacts and an eye-witness stated he had caught a glimpse of a witch and her broom in the living room early in the morning. She had swished the broom and disappeared!
After this incident Kirinn could not find his diary which was very dear to him, and Sara couldn't find her little stuffed seal – not in the bed – not in the toybox – not anywhere!
"Are you quite sure you didn't see a little elf in the living room who'd want to give our stuff back as a gift?" wondered Kirinn, pondering how he should punish the thieving scoundrel.
"Yo hello Kirinno!" whined the annoying little cousin who had popped by for a visit, waving his hands like some toucan. "It was a witchie, I told you many many times. So there. But don't think elves steal stuff just to give 'em back. You gotta get it like this", the cousin shifted his position, wore the same look he had when his father had asked him if he was lying, and explained. "Like you know in fairy tales, elves are so really honest, but not so in like Real Life. Or actually I do know one bad trait even elves have – can you guess?"
Kirinn frowned and snorted and grunted and rolled his eyes. "They can't have any bad traits because elves don't even exist, and Santa has kicked the bucket as told in another fine Kirinn story..."
"The word's, elves are wee curious folk: they peep in through windows like some voyeurs and then gossip to Santa about what they saw, whether there were nice or naughty kids in the house..."
Sara, who had just arrived in the room, skillfully feigned a scared look. "What if", she said pressing herself to Kirinn's side, "there are annoying little cousins in the house relating unfounded gossip about nice little elves?"
"Groundless all of it", Kirinn added with no imagination at all.
"And, if the kids are Wicked, Santa brings twigs to them! No really, believe me!" the cousin stated with a serious tone and then ran to the kitchen to bother Sara's mother.
Kirinn and Sara pretended to be considering the matter for a moment, although really they were just enjoying the lovely warm feeling each others' presence gave. Then Sara had an idea and feeling so active, she whispered it to him. Kirinn uneasily mumbled something about her parents. Changing the subject he suggested that maybe they should try and find their lost treasures instead, playing with her beautiful golden locks.
All of a sudden and perfectly fitting for the storyline but for totally etherical reasons Kirinn felt the floor give way under him and everything grew foggy. Screaming in surprise he fell down at a horrendous speed, through a misty tunnel. The trip ended abruptly and he again felt ground beneath his feet. As the fog slowly dissipated, a thump and a brief flurry of swearing was heard. Then Sara called out nearby, "Kirinn! Where are you?"
This is how Sara and Kirinn ended up in the unreal land of mysticism, magic and witches...
"Where are we anyway?" Sara asked Kirinn who was just as confused as his sweetheart. When the fog was gone, they realized they were standing on a grassy knolly hill, surrounded with nothing but fields and plains as far as the eye could see.
"A little mystic music and a beckoning carriage of a feisty gypsy and this would be Ultima", Kirinn thought.
"Or that you know place... Oz", Sara speculated.
"We're not in Kirinnia anymore", Kirinn grunted after momentary inspiration. As he was wondering how their home so oddly had changed to hills and fields, a more perceptive Sara bent down and picked up a long broom from the ground.
"Check this out, I found a broom", she stated painfully obviously.
"What did you say?" Kirinn started like Werp waking up from a sleep-internet-surfing session and finding himself in an adult page with a nude picture of BJ in front of him, "It's a witch's broom! I wonder if we could fly with it?"
Sara showed the broom to Kirinn, who examined it thoroughly and found some strange witchy scribbling on it, carved on the stick. Kirinn happened to be able to decipher the carving as it beared an uncanny resemblance to Britannic runes.
"Could we fly over those fields and see what's beyond?" Sara pondered eyeing the fields reaching out to the horizon... and beyond.
The kids decided to attempt flying. After quarreling a moment over seating they mounted the broom, Kirinn in front and Sara behind him.
"Hold on to my waist tight, Sara, I'll command the broom now!"
Kirinn sighed deeply as Sara hung on to him like a bur. He stretched a little and yawned deeply just as had been taught in Music Class, and then shouted in a loud voice, "Soar Broom Soar! To the end of fields far!"
The words' third spooky echo had hardly returned when the broom arose and started flying quickly and steadily, soon approaching a forest. From the air Kirinn could make out the towers of a great castle in the woods before the broom descended.
The broom dipped and dropped the lovebirds at the edge of the fields and the forest, and it didn't stop nor care about the young ones' calls and threats but darted on toward the castle...
As the sugarbunnies were looking amazedly at the broom streaking away, Kirinn grabbed them both up from the hole by their ears, put them on a stick and tried to cook them on a small open campfire.
Sara rolled her eyes as the bunnies' furs caught fire and they burned away. "Yuck. Look, there's a pocketwatch among the ashes."
Kirinn picked the fine watch up and proposed a new theory about their surroundings. From somewhere ground-level they heard a high-pitched, "Squeak!"
It was a small talking rat, wearing a silly blue cornuthaum like magicians do. The rat wiggled its whiskers and sneezed. "Sorry, I'm allergic to you animals."
The rat ran away after an offended look from the teenagers. "Isn't this a proper Wonderland", Sara hummed.
A voice was heard from a nearby tree. "Hey little humans", a small, palm-sized, fairy called out, sitting on a branch, flapping her wings happily. She hadn't much at all in the way of clothing.
"Never-never-land", Kirinn suggested, examining the fairy with a nearly objective look.
"Follow me, I will take you to the castle of the witches", the fairy exclaimed in her high fairy-voice, basking in the sun's warm rays filtering through the trees. "I know your property has been stolen and I know why, but we should go quickly. I will tell more on the way."
Sara and Kirinn held hands and followed the cute little fairy into the depths of the forest, following a green brick road. They wound in and out among great trees and occasionally met other fairies and little trolls hiding in the woods. They all wished luck on their journey but hid in their homeholes permanently after Sara tripped on one.
"What we're going to do is", the fairy explained to the children, "we're going to the witches' party. I happen to know that the witches Mossear and Frogleg have stolen both your diary and your seal. Now, even witches have a sort of an agreement that in their celebrations you can only show off your magic using your own stuff – stealing is forbidden."
"What must we do?" asked Sara out of breath. The fairy just urged them on.
"Do we get to do a magical duel with the witches", Kirinn queried eyes aglow. "Hey Tinky, slow down a bit! I only did two and a half kilometers in an 11-minute running test, and I just broke that personal record..."
"You slobs can't do magic, and besides Tinkerbell is my sister."
"Oh I'm sorry, she was that awfully pretty fairy. I don't know how I could get you two confused."
The fairy cast a silent yet nasty fairy curse on Kirinn and travelled on even faster.
Finally they slowed down. The fairy placed a finger on her lips and hushed the youngsters to act stealthily. Whispering she continued, "Can you see the castle already? It's there ahead between the trees... There are guards on the battlements who are seeing that no uninvited guest can infiltrate the party and spoil the fun."
"Guess who's coming for dinner", Kirinn grinned wickedly, preparing the plan for a commando strike.
"Kirinn!" Sara huffed. "There's no way we could defeat them. Let's just sneak in, take our things back and hit the road."
The fairy carefully led them closer. They went from tree to tree, finally reaching a large stone without the guards noticing them. The fairy told the kids to stay well hidden, while she would check the guards' location.
"That fairy left us all alone here", Kirinn grumbled, sitting next to Sara behind the stone. "You of course realize, if we are caught, we will no longer represent life as we know it."
"Shut up, pessimist!" Sara told him, peeking carefully at the castle. It was a wonderful fairy tale castle, reflecting all the colors of the rainbow. The majestic towers flashed blue and purple, near the middle the color was rosa and orange, at ground-level the gates were shining red and golden.
"What a magnificent castle", the young ones sighed, except Kirinn who was moping, staring at the ground and muttering what he thought was a dramatic monologue.
After a few long hours the fairy returned just in time to break the sharp conversation which had developed between Kirinn and Sara. The fairy told them the witches were already gathering in the great banquet hall, where the magic competition would start as soon as the Queen Witch Sonja would arrive.
"The guards will have a lunch break now and they won't do anything to us even if they hear the loud noises you clumsy humans keep making", the fairy encouraged them. "Apparently they've grown annoyed at the shortness of the breaks and are going to get even with the witches."
Sara and Kirinn were a bit scared, but they had to get their treasures back! The seal was her best friend, and there was some very delicate information in Kirinn's diary. So the kids and the fairy dashed across the grounds to the castle's wall. The fairy then led them to the western side of the castle.
"Look", she giggled, nudging the wall lightly. Nothing happened. She waited a moment and kicked the wall. She kicked the wall again, hard, and a few more times and then some. As nothing happened, the fairy let out a rather unfairyish noise and blew a hole in the wall with a fireball.
Above them the guards were busy speculating whether the adventurers below them were the most pathetic ones of all those who had attempted breaking in so far.
The kids had come to a low passage. The passage was illuminated by crystal lamps on the walls. The fairy explained them this was a real Wercme Secret Passage™, meant for the Queen Witch who sometimes had to flee the castle in secret. Occasionally the other witches threatened her highness' highness, and then a swift escapeway was Handy to have. Why the Queen who is clearly the most powerful magician around doesn't just zap the troublemakers remains a mystery. The witches always calmed down soon and the Queen Witch "Sonja" could come back with new tricks up her sleeve.
The passage took them to the basement of the castle, where all kinds of magic potions were kept. The kids heard voices behind the trapdoor and didn't dare to come up at once, which was wise since some witches had arrived in the basement to retrieve their respective potions. The infiltrators could hear some witchy types conversing through a loose brick in the wall behind the barrel of magic grog...
"So, by the way, what are you going to cast with that Diary, witch Mossear?"
A higher voice answered, "It'z nonaya frig'n bisnez lamer, and it'z s'posed to be kept a sekrit ya debilebrain! Let'z jes grab em brews and 'port back to tha Hall. Ms. Sonja could like arrive any zecond!"
The young ones could hear potions clinking. After a moment the high voice continued. "I'll taik deze green sock juices!"
"Go ahead, I'll bring the cat knuckles and the bat wax and -yuck- you can bring the guano... just take it. I'll also bring, uhhh, the fly mead and the blood of the five-thousand-year-old-longwyrm!"
"Whew", gasped a shocked Kirinn.
"Actually iz jes glassy cola..."
"...AKA..." the lower voice intoned, and then silence fell upon the basement.
When the voices had gone, the fairy ascertained there was no one in the basement and they ascended to the cold, dreary potion store. There were shelves everywhere filled with diverse drinks and mixes.
The fairy led the children up the stairs and to a corridor. There they unfortunately ran into a young witch child, who was about half as tall as Kirinn, and she stood in the middle of the corridor with messy hair, being very surprised seeing them step in. Her nose was crooked just like other witches but she also had a shiny golden ring decorating it. She was holding a short-sticked broom scribbled full of reviling rebellious runes, and she was wearing cute bunny slippers.
"Well well, who are you?" she demanded enjoying the confusion apparent on the intruders' faces. Then Sara noticed something familiar in the young witch's pocket, something she could not mistake for anything. She poked Kirinn in the ribs and whispered to him that her seal was in the pocket of the entity before them.
The miniwitch placed her broom upright next to her and stood there looking very wicked indeed. "How would you like it if I turned you into tiny frogs where you stand?"
For a while only a malevolent cackle echoed in the corridor. "Then witch Frogleg can perform her magic at the competition with my gift: two little frogs, HAHAHA! Just wait until you see her dart-throwing trick... or FEEL more like BWA HAHAHAHAA HAAA!"
The young couple noticed something was missing. The fairy couldn't be seen anywhere, she had probably gone hiding since she was so little. Just then a nearby large door opened and witch Flametooth stepped through calling for semiwitch Favoritebroom. Starting she stopped next to the young witch and noticed the children.
"What the— Is it just me or are you glad to be here? There are uninvited guests in our top secret witch party!" she shrieked at such loudness that soon the whole corridor was brimming with dozens of curious witches. Soon Kirinn and Sara were surrounded...
"Hi, I'm selling these fine college shirts", Kirinn smiled broadly and poked his shirt as if to point it out.
The witches looked like they didn't buy it. "Have you got any in women's size 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971...?"
"Of course not since you're no shirt salesman!"
Sara cleared her throat and tried to sound strong and important. "Of course we aren't! We're with the Witch's Bureau of Inspection and you got so lousy fire safety here we're going to have to condemn the whole place in the name of public safety!"
"You gotta badge?"
"We're working undercover", Kirinn explained.
"I'm working at the WBI – how come I've never heard of you?"
"What! You haven't heard of us?" Sara asked in surprise.
"We were just relocated to this chapter", Kirinn continued.
The witches started discussing among themselves in quiet voices and whispers.
"Why do I get the feeling they didn't believe that?" Sara asked Kirinn with a worry-laden voice. Suddenly someone cried, "Silence! Miss Sonja, our beloved Queen, has entered the building!"
Instantly the witches grew silent and the Queen arrived to the scene, dressed in a glimmery black witch dress and wearing a golden crown. As Kirinn was looking on in amazement, she rode her broom decorated with a black silken bow in the rear to the young pair. She spoke with a deep, somber voice.
"Do not Witches Judge these Children! They must have their Reasons for coming into our Castle."
"Werp?" Kirinn blurted out, staring at the familiar-looking, sort of witchy Queen dressed in black.
Paying no attention Queen Sonja continued, "If they have no sufficient Reason, we can always turn them into Slugs."
The other witches mumbled satisfied and some went to get their grimoires already. Sara and Kirinn were quite scared but they really hoped things would be cleared up soon.
The witches returned to the banquet hall keeping Sara and Kirinn in check. Some of them went swooshing on their brooms, some zoomed on without their brooms, others went walking calmly and a few who had spent too much time in front of the mercury cauldron went bouncing madly. Soon Sara and Kirinn found themselves standing in the middle of a spacious hall, being interrogated by a band of witches.
Sara bravely related them the reason of their arrival, how she and Kirinn had against their will been dumped in this sickeningly strange land of fairy tales. Besides some important objects had been snatched from them: the Diary and the Seal.
The witches gasped at such a cruel accusation, and Ms. Sonja thundered, "Whoever Doth Hold Nicked Things, Let That Soul Answer Instantly Or May The Abyss Even Darker Than Bleakest Grey Swallow The Shameful One!"
This was when the afore-mentioned juvenile witch Favoritebroom started to cry. She pointed at the witches Frogleg and Mossear weeping, "Those two gave me a seal and said it was a gift but I really didn't know it was pilfered stuff!"
Saying this she took the seal from her pocket and humbly brought it to Sara's hand. Sara's face was aglow with the joy of holding her seal close to her again.
But witch Mossear pulled out Kirinn's diary and aggressively tried to turn it into a frog. She quickly recited some wicked spells and before anyone could really react, she was already backing to the hall's main doors, her Octarine-glowing hand terribly looming over the diary. "Don't NOBODY MOVE or the diary gets it!"
Kirinn tackled the witch down in the blink of someone's eye and her spell discharged into the witches surrounding them turning some unfortunate individual into an amphibian. Witch Flametooth moved in and lifted Kirinn up by his neck, holding Sara by her left leg on her other hand. Then the fairy who had been hiding in an upper corner of the hall dramatically swooped to the rescue, grabbing the diary from Mossear's hand.
The fairy quickly proceeded to tickle Flametooth and she let Sara and Kirinn go, who then dashed out of the hall following the fairy. Witch Mossear was majorly annoyed but then she decided to give up and let the young ones go. The other witches weren't feeling quite so noble, they longed for slug in a light cola sauce.
The fairy led them swiftly through another secret passage and out of the castle. As they zoomed toward the forest, one of the guards up on the battlements heard something and looked down. He saw a couple of aggressive-looking witches crashing through a hole in the wall and starting to look around. "Whoops", the guard exclaimed pushing his friend over the wall and in the group of witches.
Sara and Kirinn turned to look and waved goodbye to the nice guard. He waved back to them before hiding from the witches' wrath.
They laughed merrily following the fairy through the woods. The trolls of the forest peeked from their holes and dared to come out seeing the fairy and the merry children. A couple of balls with green fur were swinging in the tree branches and screaming, "Pizza! Cowabunga!" Someone imitated the noise of a TIE-fighter and the rest of them were just jammin'.
The fairy told them she was happy to have had the chance to help them and gave Kirinn a kiss on the cheek. Sara glared at them unhappily until some troll came over and gave her a kiss too.
The folk of the forest waved to them and suddenly a thick fog arose from the ground. The kids felt they started to fly upwards, just up - up - up - down! - EEEEK!!! — up - whew! - up - up, until they thumped onto the floor of Sara's home. So was their secret adventure in fairy tale land finally brought to a conclusion and the semiadults got their diary and seal back.
Sara's mother came in from the kitchen, having heard the thump, and sighed. "Exactly what were you two just doing? Never mind, I don't want to know – couldn't you at least *try* to be quiet?? And don't break anything or you'll clean it up as well!"
Having said this she returned to the kitchen to resume her chores leaving them to do whatever they had been doing, not bothering to wait for their reluctant replies. Sara and Kirinn were silent a moment, looking at each other, at the treasures they had recovered and back at each other again. They laughed again with a light heart. What an Adventure! Then they went off to the kitchen to do what Sara had suggested in the first part.